Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Apollo 18 (2011)

A top secret Apollo mission took place years ago, and all of the astronauts were eaten by rock monsters. It's true because we say so.

Come on guys, don't make it too easy for me...

1. Here's an original take on aliens: 'Moon rocks are actually aliens that eat people'. So many things not making sense here. If the "rock aliens" are carnivorous, how have they survived living on the moon with nothing but other rocks? It's not like people take weekend vacations to the moon and the aliens have a constant food source. With that in mind, there aren't any plants on the moon, either, so the rock aliens can't be herbivores. What the hell has kept them alive this whole time? Do they not need to eat to survive? Then why are they eating people?

2. Apparently the rock aliens have the ability to burrow into a person's skin and poison them, an ability they have harnessed through practice on... no one? Again, they're rocks, on the moon, that seem to be engineered specifically for killing humans. I can't even believe that sentence I just typed came from a movie plot.

3. I'm going to be honest, this film is incredibly boring. I have a feeling the writers started to realize that and wrote in some crappy "jumpy" scenes where the astronauts jokingly jump out at the camera.

4. They try to play this movie off as "actual footage" newly released to the general public. Dude, come on, killer moon rocks? Actual footage? They even post a website where you can check out the "real" story at the end of the movie. This tactic does not excuse lazy film-making or crappy writing because it's supposed to be "real". It didn't work when 'The Devil Inside' tried to use it, and it doesn't work here.

5. The flatness and overall lack of excitement in this boring movie would have been easier to endure if there was perhaps... some music? Instead we get silence throughout the movie. Just a flat dead movie with nothing going on but heavy breathing and the same two guys talking to each other. I don't care if it's just random rock music, give me something to listen to.

In closing, this one is a huge waste of time to anyone looking for horror or thriller films... or drama... or comedy... or action... hell, even instructional videos. I wasted my time so you wouldn't have to.

1 out of 4

Avoid this one.

Cheers and goodnight.

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