Wednesday, March 6, 2013

The Box (2009)

Cameron Diaz is a southern school teacher who gets fired after a student insults her about her deformed foot, driving her to reveal the foot in class. Her husband, a NASA employee, discovers he has been rejected from the astronaut program. Now in the midst of financial struggles, an old man with a disfigured face shows up at their home. He tells the couple that should they press a button on the box he has given them, he will give them one million dollars in cash... and simultaneously someone they don't know will die.

It's probably best you don't try to make sense of this movie...

1. My first problem with this film would have to be the pace. From beginning to end, the movie moves slower than molasses, but without the interesting qualities of molasses. When I first tried to watch the movie, I fell asleep. I've watched some boring horror movies before, but nothing ever made me fall asleep. Even worse, when I woke up, the plot still hadn't moved forward.

2. If you want to attempt to scare your audience, don't make the movie confusing as hell. That should be lesson number one for anyone trying to make a scary movie. When Diaz and her husband were at the party, all of the waiters started having nosebleeds. Then, other random people started having nosebleeds. Before too long, we are told the old man has the ability to control people's minds and give them nosebleeds. Great ability... but why?

3. The old man was struck by lightning years ago - that's why. Apparently, he was standing outside and was struck by lightning, after which "the people who control the lightning" gave him super powers and told him to hand out these boxes to people. That's not all. Now, his wife is worshiped by all of the people whose minds are being controlled inside a library... I think. I'm not sure. Either way, she controls three doors of water that act as gateways to either Heaven or Hell.

4. All suspense built up by this point in the film is completely gone. By now, you're left wondering what the hell is going on and probably sitting with your head cocked to one side and jaw dropped, like a victim of "The Ring". Don't worry, I don't think they expected anyone to sit through the whole movie. If by now you've given up and started watching something else, feel relief that you have not had to endure the whole, painful experience that is this piece of garbage.

5. Ready for the ending? The old man locks Cameron Diaz' son in their bathroom, and then strikes him blind and deaf. He tells Diaz' husband that should he shoot Cameron Diaz in the heart, he will restore their son's vision and hearing. Obviously, Diaz dies, followed by her husband getting arrested and their son left to watch his mother be put into an ambulance and father put into a police car. Then, another family presses the button on another box, restarting the whole cycle. When asked why the old man was doing these horrible things, he replied, "The people who control the lightning are not without a dark sense of humor." What makes less sense? The government knows and condones the actions of the old man, as displayed in a scene where a line of people were marching into a giant water portal created by the old man, surrounded by military guards.

In closing, my head hurts. If you want to watch something scary, avoid this movie at all costs. If you enjoy randomly depressing garbage, like "The Happening", this one might fit your sick needs.

1 out of 4

Avoid this one.

Cheers and goodnight.

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