Monday, March 9, 2015

The Boy Next Door (2015)

Jennifer Lopez plays a teacher who is going through a shaky divorce with a cheating husband, meanwhile trying to raise her teenage son who has weird allergies to... air? I'm not sure. Anyway, her elderly next door neighbor has his 19-year-old nephew taking care of him while he recovers from some stupid thing, I don't really care. It's not important, you only see the old man like twice. Moving on. Blah blah blah, she feels lonely and vulnerable, blah blah blah, she doesn't know if she can trust her cheating husband anymore, blah blah blah, her dating life is failing because all men are pigs, blah blah blah, she has problems that only a 19-year-old penis can solve.

Do you see where this is going? If not, I'm assuming you actually like crap like this...

The one dimensional plot line is about as thin and uninspired as the characters in the film. The superficial interactions between people that are supposed to be family come across as bland and without chemistry. You will not care what happens to the people in the movie because they act and behave like emotionless robots. There was some secondary plot happening between Jennifer Lopez's son and a girl that works at a hardware store, but it gets lost among a sea of overwhelming garbage. Seriously, what happened at the dance? We don't know because the next scene just shows him at home, and with no effort put forth by the director to insinuate what happened, I'm just going to assume it's not important - which means it could have been removed from the film completely and not affected any part of the story. Not just the dance, but the entire subplot involving interactions with the random girl from the hardware store. Now, if you remove that, what are we left with? Well, I'll tell you.

Bullshit! A steaming pile of crap freshly blown out of the gaping bunghole of a retarded grazing male cow! This movie was just an excuse for Jennifer Lopez to make some feeble attempt to prove she isn't forgotten and that she is relevant. The story is not original, the acting is shit, the plot line is predictable, the characters are unemotional and dull, and it was all a big excuse for her to live out whatever mid-life crisis she's going through. Watching this movie I found myself pondering why movies like this are made. I mean, they had to know that it sucked. The director had to know while he was making the movie that it just plain sucked really, really hard, right? No one could be that dense as to think something like this was worth making, could they?

In case you haven't figured it out, the boy next door is crazy and becomes a stalker, murderer and psychopath after banging Jennifer Lopez, and begins to terrorize her and her family. Because of course he does. Because Jennifer Lopez is just that irresistible, right? Why is he so infatuated with her, anyway? I mean, apparently everyone in this fictional world, from strangers to hardware store clerks to teachers, are supermodels anyway, so why is he so captivated with her? I've never seen such an unrealistically attractive cast of supposed "everyday people" in a movie before. It's ridiculous. Their looks, by the way, are all they have going for them, as they ramble off their lines while blankfaced and smiling, which I'm assuming is to deter from the fact that they can't act for shit. It's incredible I made it through and hour and a half of this nonsense.

Let's talk about backstory for a second here. I'm going to give away the ending because you already know what happens anyway. Seriously, all you have to do is look at the poster and read the title of the movie and if you have a fucking cell in your brain then you know who the killer is and what's going to happen. Yeah, brilliant marketing strategy there, geniuses. Let's just remove all suspense and mystery right off the bat so people can literally just turn off their brains as soon as they enter the theater and admire pretty people sounding stupid and rubbing each other. Well, as someone who tried to pay attention and make sense of what was happening, I have some questions. Let's start off with question number one:

What the fuck?! If the kid's parents died in a car crash, as stated by his uncle, the detective and the vice principle, then why did he say it was his father and father's lover that died in the wreck? Does that mean he killed them and faked his mother's death? If so, is she in on it, or did she put him up to it? Or did his parents really die and he just can't face the reality that he accidentally killed his mother? How is his uncle really so freaking oblivious to his nephew's actions? Why did the detective just willingly allow Jennifer Lopez to inquire about a case and walk around the wrecked van without even batting an eye? Why did she need to see the van anyway? Did she do anything once she saw it? No. Immediately after she arrives at the van, the damn scene ends, so it obviously wasn't that important. Why does no one call the police until the very end of the movie? Who really wears that ridiculous shirt-skirt thing and just lays around the house? What the balls was her son allergic to that made him have an attack while boxing, high blood pressure? Is that a thing? I need an aspirin.

Here's what you should take away from this: The killer dies, she reunites with her husband, you don't see her boobs. The end. Who is this movie for? It's not for thriller fans, or horror fans, or movie fans, or ceiling fans. Maybe Jennifer Lopez fans? Do those exist?

1 out of 4.

Avoid this movie. Don't walk, RUN from this movie!

Cheers and goodnight.

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