Wednesday, October 16, 2013

You're Next (2013)

An 8-year old boy who is accidentally left behind must defend his home against idiotic burglars.

Oh, wait. That's "Home Alone". My bad.

A family of wasps learn to work together as they try to stay alive while masked men attempt to kill them. One by one, they are killed off until a lone woman uses her survival skills to booby-trap the house in an effort to keep her idiotic attackers at bay.

Huh, not sure how I got those two movies confused...

1. Stupid Halloween masks are not scary. I don't care if they are meant to be scary in an ironic way, a metaphoric way, or a genuinely frightening way. "The Purge" literally just used that unimaginative cop-out. Stop it. While we're at it, stop having the killer tilt his head slightly while wearing the mask like he's Michael Meyers. It's little things like this that are not only predictable in crappy horror movies, but in fact are so expected that I find myself hoping it doesn't happen.

2. I've never watched a horror movie and laughed so hard. There's one scene in particular where the family is freaking out, screaming at one another because the killers are outside of the house shooting arrows through the windows at them. Someone has the genius idea to have one woman make a run for the car through the front door. Really? The killers have crossbows and their bright idea is to just run really fast through the front door? Okay, let's see how this plays out. The woman gets a running start in a dramatic, slow-motion sequence, the front door opens, she makes it to the patio... BAM! Clothes-lined by a steel wire that drops her instantly and nearly takes her head off. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh, but the whole thing is so silly and juvenile that you often find yourself holding back a chuckle. Something that shouldn't happen in a horror movie. Come on, scare me already!

3. If the killers were hired to kill the family so the two sons could get the inheritance, why go through such elaborate means of doing so? I mean, dressing up like trick-or-treater's, using arrows instead of guns, painting "You're Next" in blood on the walls, the list goes on. "Oh, wait!" you might say, "They used crossbows because arrows are quieter than guns!" Come on, surely a silencer costs less than a crossbow, and using a silenced rifle would be a hell of a lot quieter than having a bunch of people run around screaming with an arrow stuck in their back (which one character does for over half of the movie - not kidding, one dude has an arrow in his back for like 40 minutes, feathered tail and everything). Another thing - why pose the neighbor's body on the couch with the stereo on repeat? If they just hid the body and turned the lights out then no one would think they are home, which is a hell of a lot more convincing than sitting up straight on the couch blaring old pop music at 3 in the morning.

4. At one point, one of the killers steps through a window and lowers his foot onto a board with a nail in it, after which he begins to hop around in agony. I couldn't contain my laughter during this scene as my mind immediately jumped to "Home Alone", which triggered me to compare the two films. Just like in "Home Alone", the main character of this movie goes around setting up booby-traps around the house while instrumental music segways the scenes of the all too familiar montage. Oddly enough, reminding me of "Home Alone" made me feel kind of warm and fuzzy. Laughing at the killer hop around with a nail in his foot filled me with joy and laughter. When the plot finally continued, I was actually so disappointed that I stopped the movie long enough to watch "Home Alone" before returning to the film. Yeah, that's how bad it is. It made me want to watch an inspirational Christmas movie. No other horror movie has ever made me do that.

5. No one took an arrow to the knee.

In closing, after doing some research I discovered this movie was meant to be a goofy, comical horror movie, which gave me some relief. At least the director knew better than to claim this as a genuine horror flick. With that knowledge, I would suggest watching this with an open mind and plan to laugh. If you want to be scared, don't bother with this film. If you're looking for something to only entertain, I think you'll be satisfied.

 2 out of 4

Don't expect to be scared, but plan to laugh.

Cheers and goodnight.

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