Friday, September 13, 2013

Jason X (2001)

So, what better way to celebrate Friday the 13th than with the worst, most god-awful Friday the 13th movie ever made? By not watching it - that's how.

It's the year 2455, and Earth as we know it is dead for some unexplained reason. Luckily, there was a backup planet named "Earth 2" and its inhabitants make up the crew for the spaceship the entire movie takes place on. When the crew lands on old Earth, or Earth 1, they stumble upon a cryogenically frozen Jason Voorhees, frozen solid and towering over his last victim - who was also frozen. After their android companion announces the woman can be brought back to life, the crew takes both her and the Jason-Popsicle to their ship. He thaws out, and unfortunately, the movie unfolds.

Crystal Lake Jason-sicles! Now with 80% less effort!

1. First off I have to acknowledge how much this movie resembles a Sci-Fi channel movie. Yeah, it's that bad. The music, the acting, the cheap camera effects, and we can't forget the terrible special effects and CGI. What's funny is that none of these things were ever needed in the previous Friday the 13th movies, and I'm positive this could have been a decent sequel if not for the whole "space" premise. Come on, I know it's the tenth movie in the franchise, but do you really have to go there? What movie franchise ever started being profitable after the cliche "space" sequel? After "Leprechaun 4: In Space" we got "Leprechaun in tha Hood" (yeah, spelled just like that). Once "Critters" finally made their space movie, they just gave up, realizing they had nowhere to turn after sending their success into orbit. So, what made the Friday the 13th franchise decide to take this ungodly awful turn into space? If I was in the planning meeting when the asshole spoke up and said "Let's have him go to space!" I would have laid hands on him.

2. Um, is this Jason X or Jason XXX? Everyone is so damn horny that nothing gets done and everything gets overlooked. I'm not kidding. The crew is made up entirely of 20-somethings and they just can't keep their pants on long enough to stay alive. There is one scene where Jason is being examined by the doctor's computer, when all of the sudden two of the crew members start making out and groping one another to the point where the doctor turns around and tells them to go away and come back once they're focused. Instead of realizing their embarrassing mistake and apologizing, they say "Thank you" and proceed to another room. Inevitably, Jason wakes up and kills the doctor. It was at this point I thought "Surely someone heard that" but no, everyone else is far too busy... literally everyone else. Guess what woke him up? The sound of crew members having sex. Moral point in the movie? Probably not, more like central theme of the movie. The doctor's assistants are getting busy in another room, meanwhile a nerdy crew member is fondling the female android who is insistent on having nipples installed, and down the hall the crew leader is laying in bed and having his nipple twisted with a set of pliers while wearing women's lingerie by another female crew member, who coincidentally has a crush on the boy fondling his android. Okay? Is that enough sexual frustration for one movie? How the hell does anything get done on this ship?

3. Want to know why he was frozen in the first place? Well, after trying to kill him repeatedly over the last several years, scientists have decided to study him for his unique cell-regeneration abilities, to eventually cure all diseases in the future. Right there, they messed up. By making Jason a lab rat to study for healing abilities takes Friday the 13th to a realistic and logical level it was never meant to be on. Jason doesn't die. He's the killer and he can't be killed. That's the way it has always been and in the end he always comes back. Why do they have to make it scientific? Healing abilities? Cellular regeneration? No. It doesn't have to make sense; he just comes back. Don't fuck with tradition.

4. Wait, where's my signature "Jason's coming" chant? I heard it a little in the beginning, and there's a slight "ha, ha, ha, ch, ch, ch... " during a simulator scene, but that can't be it, can it? Yes, because that chant represents everything a Friday the 13th movie should be - unnerving, suspenseful, and quiet. None of those adjectives fit in this movie, so the chant probably wouldn't fit, either. That should have been the biggest red flag for the creators. If you can't get a suspenseful, gripping sound-byte that you have at your expense to fit in the movie, then you don't have a Friday the 13th movie. It means your movie is not unnerving, suspenseful or at the very least scary. What you have, is garbage.

5. Instead of waiting to heal, the crew uses things called "ants" which are microscopic robots which heal people almost instantaneously. On Jason, however, they have a different effect. Just when I thought the movie couldn't get any worse, they managed to surprise me yet again. But not a good surprise, like winning the lottery. No, this is more like spending two hours in traffic to get to work and right before you open the door to your office, a bear jumps out of the window and mauls one of your legs off. After being "healed" by the ant-robot-healers, Jason steps in the doorway and looks like a mix between Super Shredder from Ninja Turtles 2 and the Terminator - if they were combined by Dr. Seuss, officially transforming the last link to the original Friday the 13th movies into a laughable monster that wouldn't even be scary in a children's haunted house.

In closing, only hardcore sci-fi fans would enjoy this for its cheesy acting, awful special effects and even worse music. If you're a fan of Friday the 13th, avoid this movie at all costs. It doesn't even deserve the title of "Friday the 13th" which the creators probably realized and instead just named it "Jason X". Hell, even that is too close of a resemblance.

1 out of 4

Avoid this one.

Cheers and goodnight.

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