Sunday, January 20, 2013

The Ring (2002)

I'm sure everyone's seen this one at least once, and I'm sure everyone has their own opinion about it, but in case you've somehow missed this 'gem of horror', I'll be glad to sum it up for you:

A girl gets thrown in a well, turns into a ghost, makes a videotape, whoever watches it gets a phone call from the dead girl saying they'll die in a week, a week later she pops out of the TV and kills you. A woman and her son have no soul and make copies of the killer tape. More or less.

If it isn't obvious...

1. Having the killer be a girl that walks slowly with hair in front of her face is the laziest cop-out that far too many movie-makers fall back on. Stop it.

2. The scariest part of the whole movie is the actual video that everyone's watching, but the audience only gets glimpses of. So then why make the scariest part of the movie something we're NOT supposed to see? Obviously the writers know how to make a scary movie, random as it may be, but apparently they just don't know how to have it make any sense, so instead they wrote a bland plot around the video.

3.  The tone of the movie is about as dry as it can get. I felt no emotion about what happened to Naomi Watts or her son, because they had no emotion toward each other. Why care about people who don't care about each other? Sure they showed fear when their lives were at risk, but who wouldn't?

4. If Samara made the video in order to reach out for help, why kill the people who watch it? If she has the ability to create physical objects like videotapes, why did she make only one? I get that she's pissed about being murdered, but her first act of vengeance is making a video? That makes as much sense as making a bicycle that, if anyone rides it, they get a call saying they'll die in a week. It's absurd.

5. It's quite a process Samara's victims have to go through before she can actually kill anyone. Somehow, Samara has made a video tape with supernatural powers. First, her victim has to find the tape, then watch it, then have a telephone nearby so Samara can call them and tell them they will die in a week. Then she has to wait a week and hopefully the person she called is near a television because that appears to be the only way she can cross over into our world. Have you ever heard of a ghost that's so reliant on technology that the victim MUST have a VCR, television and telephone in order for them to die? Were they trying to make a point about society's reliance on technology? Or were they simply trying to make the ghost-killing-victim process more complex than it needed to be?

In closing, they made a sequel that was actually worse than this one, if you can believe that. So I guess technically I can't say this is the worst horror movie ever made. Technically.

2 out of 4

This movie is hilarious. Watch it for nostalgia's sake, but don't expect much.

Cheers and goodnight.

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