Sunday, February 24, 2013

Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)

If you manage to make it passed the plot description and still require five reasons why this movie is Horror-ble, you are either incredibly, judgmentally inept or just enjoy reading my blog. Either way, thank you for the support. Enjoy.

Seven years after the first "Silent Hill" adventure, Alessa (named "Sharon" by her adopted parents in the first movie), is turning eighteen years old. "But wait!" you might say, "She and her mother were lost in another dimension or something at the end of the first movie!" Well, you're right, but her mother discovered a way to send "Sharon" back to the real dimension, so there ya go. Over the past seven years, Sharon's father has moved her and him from town to town, changing their names and coloring Sharon's hair. Want to know what they're running from? Careful what you wish for.

Sharon attends her first day of school in the most recent town, where she meets a teenage boy (stereotypical "badass" character, leather jacket and all), who offers to walk her home after he sees her flipping out in the school hallway. You see, Sharon keeps hallucinating and dreaming about the town of Silent Hill, causing her to have crazy episodes. At least, we're supposed to think they're episodes. In reality, the "darkness" (the weird shit from the first movie) can now apparently travel outside of Silent Hill. Before going home, Sharon goes to the mall where she sees people eating other people, followed by the darkness consuming the mall elevator and fast forwarding time. Still with me?

On the way home, Sharon asks the teenage boy a random question: "Do you think there's a difference between dreams and reality?" to which the boy provides an equally random answer: "Whoa, whoa. I try not to think about it." Yeah. The writers for this movie are absolutely phenomenal. Sharon gets home and discovers her father has been kidnapped by a cult called "The Order of Valteal" and convinces the boy to drive her to Silent Hill. Oh right, Sharon can't drive, I forgot to mention that. Eighteen years old and can't drive a car. She doesn't say why, but the boy seems to accept it, so off they go.

In a soap opera-esque dramatic scene, the boy reveals himself to be a member of the cult that kidnapped Sharon's father - the same cult, we are told, from the first movie - after which he is sucked into the darkness. Oh well, it turns out Silent Hill is right outside of the hotel they were staying at, and upon entering the town, Sharon is confronted by the old woman from the first movie - Alessa's biological mother. The old woman tells Sharon that Alessa actually put the good side of her soul into another child. All right, we knew that she separated her good and evil sides from the first movie, but I always thought it was just a physical manifestation of Alessa's good side, which would explain why they are identical. BUT, it turns out Alessa put her good side into a kidnapped orphan baby - Sharon.

If you're still reading this you have my kudos.

After a narrow escape from a mannequin spider monster (I couldn't make this shit up if I wanted to), Sharon stumbles upon an old man locked in a padded room. He tells her that he is the father of the crazy cult lady from the first movie, and only the Seal of Megatron can free him. Yep. Not making this up. Sharon happens to have the Seal of Megatron, and the old man sticks it in his chest and turns into a hideous monster. Probably from all of the radiation from those damn Decepticon Transformers. Anyway, Sharon kills him, and rescues the teenage boy from certain death at the hands of zombie nurses. Ready for another plot twist? The boy says that he is the nephew of the crazy cult lady from the first movie, and his mother (crazy cult lady's sister) now runs the cult.

Almost done. Promise.

The boy creates a diversion for Sharon to get to safety, but somehow she winds up on a Merry-Go-Round - operated by Pyramid Head. Remember him? Sharon confronts Alessa on the Merry-Go-Round (by the way, Alessa's make-up makes her look like a retarded female version of "The Crow", not kidding), and they embrace each other in a flaming, Merry-Go-Round hugging contest, until Alessa evaporates. Yep. True story.

Sharon enters the lair of the cult, where the boy's mother (the new cult leader) transforms into Voldo from Soul Caliber and fights Pyramid Head. After the fight, the teenage boy and Sharon hitch a ride out of Silent Hill just as a convoy of police cars rush into the town. The freaking End.

Oh, right, Sharon's father says he wants to stay in Silent Hill, so the whole rescue mission and entire plot of the movie was for nothing.

The mother and father actors from the first movie make it abundantly obvious that they didn't want to do this movie. They read their lines as quickly as possible and show no emotion whatsoever. I don't blame them. This movie sucked beyond suck. I'm ashamed to even put this on my Horror-ble list, knowing the rest of the movies on it were not as bad as this one.

1 out of 4

Watch the original.

Cheers and goodnight.

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